Within the chaos...

Today I feel scattered.

Definitely a bit overwhelmed. 

Thoughts are running amuck in my brain. Too much going on in this moment for me. 

And all I really want is for the peace of God to come and fill me.

Breathe, Girl, breathe.

And remember that God is in the midst of all of it. All the things going on around you. The pains of life. The worries of tomorrow. Every part of your today, He is there with you.

"You will hear your Teacher’s voice behind you. You will hear it whether you turn to the right or the left. It will say, “Here is the path I want you to take. So walk on it.” Isaiah 30:2

I must keep close and hold fast to Him. And keep giving it all back to Him. Every moment of the day. 

I can do this.

"He will not allow your foot to be moved. He who keeps you will not slumber."
Psalm 121:3

When waiting feels like forever...

I don’t know about you but one of the hardest things for me to do is to just sit and wait. I’m pretty patient when it comes to the small stuff but with the big stuff, like what to do with my life, I stink at waiting.

And I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure out how to make it mean something. But what if God already has that figured out and all I have to do is follow His leading? His timing?

Can I do that?

I’ve made a big change in my life over the past few weeks. As I said before, I’ve always been very crafty and have had success in selling my crafts. It always made me feel successful, capable, worthwhile. It gave me purpose.

Two weeks ago all the desire and passion I had for crafting just up and left me. It was weird…very weird. And very quiet. Surprisingly, it’s okay. I’m okay with it. It actually feels pretty good. I’d just finished sewing 125 felt birds (yes, it was crazy!) for a wedding order. That was my final sale for my Etsy shop that I had set up a year ago.

But two weeks ago, I asked God to speak to me (and not just in a whisper) and show me what He wants me to do with my life. I was feeling a twinge that something wasn’t quite right with my time management. His first step was to clear house, a.k.a. my Etsy shop. This freed up a lot of time for something else that had been nagging at me for the past six months; writing.

So here I sit, writing. And it feels great! I have no idea what God will do with my writing, but it feels right.

With everything I’ve been reading over the past week; the bible, and authors that I trust and respect, I can hear God say the same thing to me over and over again:

“Just be with Me. Stop trying to figure out what you are supposed to do and trust Me to make it happen for you. Trust Me to show you your worth. You don’t have to earn it. I already have a plan for you.”

This was hard for me to comprehend and accept because I've always believed I had to make something of myself. That I had to figure out what I was supposed to be doing in my life.

Sarah Young, author of “Jesus Calling” * (which I recommend you read) writes in one of her devotionals: “Nothing can rob you of your inheritance of unimaginable riches and well-being. Sometimes I grant you glimpses of your glorious future, to encourage you and spur you on. But your main focus should be staying close to Me. I set the pace in keeping with your needs and My purposes.”

This really spoke to my heart.

In so many ways.

For the past year I’ve had such a struggle with my faith. Things have surfaced from my childhood that completely slammed me to the ground. They really shook the foundation of my faith in God. My ability to really trust that He could keep me safe. That He really cared about me and what happened in my life. That He even existed. That He could and would protect me with my future.

So for the past year I’ve tried, in vain, in my own strength to figure it all out. To make sense of it. To get answers. To discover the 'whys' of what happened to me.

And I’ve learned…there are none.

I'm beginning to realize that I don’t need the answers. There are no answers that could explain what happened to me and why. There is nothing to be said that can take away the pain. I need the peace and contentment to just walk, to move forward.

One step at a time.

One day at a time.

To just trust my Heavenly Father who loves me and is continually working on my behalf to make me a new creation.

“The Lord will vindicate me; your love, Lord, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands.” Psalm 138:8

Don’t get me wrong, it’s slightly torturous for me. Okay, it’s really bad. And I spend a lot of time praying for patience these days. I wasn’t kidding when I said I stink at waiting.

But I see it now. The need to just stay in step with Him. To keep in communication with Him. To keep my mind stayed on Him. And He will do the rest. He will carry me, sustain me, and rescue me.

When you don’t stick by Him, you won’t trust. Anything. You’ll doubt. Everything. (I’m speaking from personal experience here). And that’s when you get lost. That’s when you lose your way and your hope. That’s a choice you make, not Him. That is your will at work, not His. 

So what will you do today? Trust Him or walk it alone?

Andrew Murray writes; “Just as much as it was God’s work to create it, it is His work to maintain it,” meaning God has a plan for you and me. He will do it. Let’s not get in the way of it. Let’s just do our best to follow it.

“Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16

He has a plan for us. He has a specific, unique plan for you.

Are you lost? Are you struggling in your faith? Go back to Him and rest in the assurance that He is carrying you in the palm of His hand. Read the bible, talk to Him in prayer. Spend time with those God followers who really know Him personally. Saturate yourself in Him. Call out to Him and He will save you.

He can and will deliver you. Yes, even you :)

“Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob, all the remnant of the people of Israel, you whom I have upheld since your birth, and have carried since you were born. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Isaiah 46: 3-4

(* “40 days with Jesus: celebrating His presence” by Sarah Young)

The rain that washes away...

Today it's raining.

I love the rain.

I love how it washes away the mud and mire, soaks deep into the earth, runs the length of a leaf before dripping to the ground. And I love how it soothes my weary soul. When it rains I feel released from doing. It's a day of rest to stay inside and keep warm. Huddle near a warm fire with hands wrapped around a steaming cup of coffee. A day to just sit at the window and watch it all wash away.

I've been thinking about my past and the things that have happened in my life. Things that stripped away my dignity and left me with an ugly gaping hole. Tears running down my face, I pray to God for mercy from such thoughts. 

Gut wrenching thoughts. 

The kind of thoughts that leave you feeling wide open and bare. All encompassing, overwhelming, bring-you-to-your-knees thoughts that don't let go. I'm so tired of those thoughts. Tired of the power they have over me.

And in that moment I hear a whisper; "He took your dignity but I am bringing it back to you."

I sit silent and just let the words fall over me and wrap around me like a warm cocoon. They soothe me in places I thought were so hidden away nothing could touch them. But they do. They blow softly through every part of me, flooding me with relief and peace. He is there. He is working something good in me. My God will  deliver me.

My God will deliver ME.

As the rain falls outside my window I am reminded of Jesus' shed blood, washing away the sins of man. Removing the stains. Setting us free. Releasing us from our mistakes and regrets, and the consequences of others.

Releasing me from my past. From my pains. From my sins.

Letting me come up clean to begin again.

And to know that tomorrow will be a new day with the promise of rain.

"...but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grown weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

I feel change a’comin’…

Do you ever get that ache in your gut for life to change? For it to get just a little easier? For something to give?

I yearn for new beginnings. New beginnings sounds nice.

I am coming close to a crossroads and, to be honest, it’s freaking me out just a little. I am mother to three wonderful children and my youngest will start kindergarten in the fall. Meaning I will be childless from nine in the morning until three in the afternoon. 6 hours to myself. 

Can’t. Even. Imagine.

I’ve been shadowed by a little one for over nine years now. Never alone. Not even in the bathroom...yes, I’ve tried.

So…what to do with all that time?

Sure, sure, there’s the norm; the laundry, the vacuuming, the cleaning, and other household duties, and I have no problem with those daily tasks. But I want more.

And I want the ‘more’ to matter.

I’ve spent the past nine years raising kids, hanging with friends, church and bible study going, and crafting my time away. I even managed to set up shop and sell many of my crafts, but I have no passion for crafting now. I have a passion to figure out what God would like me to do with my free time.  With my future.

If I ask, will He answer?

I love writing. Really love it. And I ‘think’ it’s a God-given talent. So maybe there’s something there.  But  what would it look like? Fiction? Non-fiction? A blog like this?

I can be a very patient person but today I’m not feeling so patient.

I feel starved for usefulness.

I feel desperate for some semblance of importance.

With child-like wonder, I want to make a difference somehow. Leave my mark…somewhere.

But I wonder if that’s so important to God. Because I don’t think it’s about leaving a mark for Him.  And that scares me a little. Because I do want to matter.

Humbly, I am reminded that I matter to God and that’s enough.

Not so humbly, there is a part of me that wants to matter in the world.

And every time I hear or read of someone finding their mark, as happy as I am for them, I feel a twinge of disappointment in myself.

Am I wasting time? Did I miss my chance? Can my life really make a difference?

But mostly, I wonder; does God really care about whether or not I make my mark?

So I guess I’m searching for contentment…to be okay with being me just as I am. To be whoever God wants me to be, whether I am well known or not so well known.

I really, really want that.

Really.

I have another twelve years of teaching opportunities with my children. And I don’t want to squander that. I know that God has blessed me with my kids and I want to honour that. But I need something for just me too. I want to find the balance of my husband, my children, and myself.

There is something stirring in my gut, and I’m on a quest to find out what it is. Hence this blog.

This blog is going to be me talking to myself (and you) until I discover what God is stirring up in me. I’m excited but a little hesitant. Slightly nervous but feeling ready for change. As author Holley Gerth* would say; “I’m encamped” and I’m ready for my cloud to move.

As I write this blog, I’d love to hear from you. What is God telling you? He is stirring you up for something too? do you feel like you are on the verge of a great God moment? And does it scare you a little?

Let’s make a pact to not be afraid of this. Let’s take each other’s hands and go for it!

I’m in! Are you?

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

* Holley Gerth’s book “You’re already amazing” chapter 5. Check out her website here: www.holleygerth.com